Creating Common Ground with Arthur Lupia

0:00 hi so a question that a lot of us ask is 0:04 how can we create common ground we not 0:07 only want to find it but we want to 0:08 create situations where we can do things 0:10 that benefit our communities that 0:12 benefit children and seniors and that 0:13 are great for our nation it can seem 0:15 hard to do because sometimes there's 0:17 divisive issues sometimes you might feel 0:20 that you're gonna get shouted down if 0:21 you have a new idea but what we want to 0:23 talk about in this segment is how to 0:25 create common ground in a way that you 0:27 can help others and take the great ideas 0:29 you have and the great passion that you 0:30 have and really help turn it into things 0:33 that improve quality of life this really 0:37 matters because we are find ourselves in 0:38 lots of different situations could be a 0:40 family dinner 0:41 could be a community gathering could be 0:43 a church group where you talk about 0:44 social issues and you wonder how can I 0:49 convey myself effectively when there are 0:52 diverse points of view and when people 0:54 might disagree with me 0:55 so what I want to do now is talk about 0:56 three steps you can do to create a 0:58 circumstance where you can be heard and 1:00 to create a circumstance where if you 1:02 listen to others you might be able to 1:04 create great things so let's talk about 1:06 those three steps the first step is 1:08 creating a spirit of generosity every 1:12 day every moment we have a new 1:15 opportunity to learn we have a new 1:17 opportunity to grow we have new 1:19 opportunities for redemption we have new 1:22 opportunities to build but one way to do 1:25 that is to create a circumstance where 1:26 people feel comfortable in a room with 1:28 one another by establishing a spirit of 1:31 generosity I mean walking into a 1:34 situation not just knowing why you're 1:36 there but thinking about why is someone 1:39 else there why did someone put down 1:41 their phone turn off the TV and put 1:44 aside all the other things in life and 1:46 decide to be in a room with you right so 1:49 when I meet people I try and figure out 1:51 think hard about why are they there what 1:54 journey are they on what do they really 1:56 care about what have they been doing 1:58 before they entered the room what are 2:00 they likely to do after they leave and 2:02 how can I be helpful to them on their 2:04 journey if I walk into a room 2:06 understanding why people are there as I 2:09 start to tell my story I can do it in 2:12 terms of their stay 2:13 I can reference ideas where people say 2:16 hey that's something that I care about 2:18 and I can do it with sincerity but now I 2:21 can do it in a way that other folks can 2:23 hear right so establishing a spirit of 2:25 generosity is key to getting closer to a 2:28 creating common ground once we do that 2:30 we have an opportunity to validate other 2:32 people and what do I mean by validation 2:34 it can be really hard to talk about a 2:37 bunch of issues you might not know when 2:39 do I speak what do I say what is it safe 2:41 to say by validating other people by 2:44 making some action to express I'm glad 2:47 that you're here that can mean a lot so 2:50 for example you could be in a room with 2:51 people and you see somebody else wearing 2:53 a Michigan shirt you know if you say go 2:55 blue if you know something that they've 2:58 done and you congratulate them on their 2:59 success that's a way to help people feel 3:02 comfortable in this room with you to 3:04 feel comfortable to listen and to feel 3:06 comfortable to hear I know when I walk 3:08 into a room with strangers if people 3:10 know a little bit about me it puts me at 3:13 ease and that's what I'm asking us to do 3:14 and these are situations that we can 3:16 create they don't just fall from the sky 3:19 there are situations that if we take the 3:21 time to think about other people to 3:23 think about the others in the room we 3:25 can present ourselves in way that are 3:27 easier for them to hear if we have 3:29 created a spirit of generosity and we've 3:31 made an attempt to validate other people 3:33 now we have this great opportunity and 3:35 the opportunity is trust the opportunity 3:37 is now we have some evidence that the 3:40 other people in the room want to work 3:41 with us that the other people in the 3:42 room might be willing to listen to us 3:44 and that's where the idea of learning 3:46 and persuasion can really become 3:48 powerful so I don't know how much you've 3:51 thought about persuasion but one thing 3:53 that we know about it is it's very hard 3:54 to persuade other people it's very hard 3:56 to teach people other things and that's 3:58 because attention is really really 3:59 limited how do we break through and get 4:02 people to pay attention to the ideas 4:04 that we have one way to do it is to try 4:07 and figure out things you can say that 4:09 relate to the core concerns that they 4:11 have to relate to the most important 4:13 things that they're thinking about in 4:14 other words you're making your story 4:16 their story right if you can find a way 4:19 to express your ideas in ways that 4:21 reflect generosity that validate other 4:23 people but still get across what you're 4:25 trying to say 4:26 more likely to have an audience because 4:29 you see the way that learning works is 4:30 this not just you don't just remember 4:32 what people say we ignore most 4:34 everything that is put in front of us 4:36 because we have to our capacity for 4:38 paying attention is so tiny instead what 4:41 we do like everything we learn from math 4:43 or science or from other people is a lot 4:45 like how we learn about a song so you 4:47 hear a song on the radio or on your on 4:49 your earphones you like different parts 4:52 of it you like it so much that you block 4:54 everything out and you think about the 4:55 melodies and you think about the beats 4:56 you think about the words that they have 4:58 them and what you do is create your own 5:00 version of the song so when you turn the 5:02 radio off or you take that the earphones 5:04 off you can still hear it you can be 5:06 sitting by yourself in a room and you 5:08 can play back parts of the song now 5:10 what's happened there is you're not 5:11 actually hearing the song you're hearing 5:14 a new version of the song that you 5:15 co-created the words might be a little 5:17 different some of the instruments might 5:19 be missing but it's a version of the 5:20 song that you love and you co-produced 5:22 it it's your version of the song that's 5:25 how learning works generally if you're 5:27 in a math class and you're trying to 5:29 teach children a math problem what we 5:31 need to do is create a situation where 5:33 the students are so interested in the 5:35 apples that we're trying to add or in 5:37 the basketballs that we're trying to 5:38 count that they want to co-produce their 5:40 own version of the story and if they 5:42 walk out of the room thinking about 5:44 apples or basketballs and that if you 5:46 take two here and two there and you put 5:47 them together you have four that's how 5:49 they've learned and that's how learning 5:51 works generally that is why when we're 5:53 talking about complicated issues when 5:55 we're talking in diverse groups where 5:57 people might not believe the same things 5:59 establishing a spirit of generosity that 6:01 is you know understanding white people 6:03 in a room validating their presence and 6:05 making acts taking actions that make you 6:08 seem trustworthy they set up the 6:10 scenario where people are open to 6:11 hearing your song right and if you can 6:14 convey what you're thinking in a ways 6:16 that resonates with what the other 6:17 people in the room want they're more 6:19 likely to leave the room humming it that 6:21 can empower you and that can help you 6:24 build create common ground where it 6:27 doesn't ordinarily exist and that's so 6:29 important in today's age because it's 6:31 easy to be cynical it's easy to look at 6:34 all the divisiveness but the amazing 6:35 thing about us all of us that are 6:38 watching this video is that every day we 6:40 have an opera 6:40 unity to help other people to do things 6:42 for our communities to help vulnerable 6:44 populations 6:45 to help improve our nation our city or 6:48 our state but what it often takes is 6:50 getting people in a room and creating a 6:53 situation where they're willing to 6:54 listen we all have the ability to create 6:56 and after all when you think about any 6:59 of all the things we can do all the 7:01 challenges that we face today and all 7:03 the opportunities that we have in front 7:04 of us aren't we worth it right aren't we 7:07 the people who can make the change right 7:09 these are steps that any of us can use 7:12 so let's go out there and do it let's 7:14 create common ground